He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
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For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂