He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
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I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.