He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
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Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.