He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
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The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
tfw you realize …
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat