Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here