Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair