He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
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Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My favorite farside!!
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.