He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My birthstone is kidney
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”