He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.