He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY