He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Couple goals
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Sounds like a bargain
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS