He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
You Might Also Like
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Story time
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more