He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
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Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Oh no
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits