He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
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Me when I’m ovulating
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
584.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Super Hand Dog Face
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do