He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Ghost costume 😂
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.