Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

nice challenge

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

This has made my week.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.