Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.