He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
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Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?