Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.