Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

Siri: Retweet me.

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”