He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Traveler’s camo
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
