He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
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Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
it was a valiant fight
Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
How to walk around a museum
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.