He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
You Might Also Like
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
HOW DARE YOU
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.