He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
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ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Good morning
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Banking tips
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
What about a To-Don’t List?
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.