Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

middle school in the ’90s

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.