He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
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Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.