Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.