He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
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My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I need to get some bricks…
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Had to try this trend 😊
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.