He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
![]()
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*