Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

😁

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick