“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
You Might Also Like
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
True
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
