“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
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1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Asking the real questions!
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot