He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
When I laugh on my period
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
