He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
