He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Weighing up my bread heating options
