He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
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Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
🤣🤣💀
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet