He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
You Might Also Like
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
this is the news I live for
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.