Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

🖕🏻👽

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

My patience has stretch marks.

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?