“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
You Might Also Like
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.