He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie