He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
You Might Also Like
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
The answer is funnier than the question
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh