He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
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“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
What happened to the other hiker??!
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.