He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
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this is uni
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
every single time
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Breaking news:
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
hand it over!
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN