He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
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The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.