Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Fiction has to make sense.

congratulations to them

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win