Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.