Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

Girl, same.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

The three genders.

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.