Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

on da cob, we all corn

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.