He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
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girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.