He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
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So sorry
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
secret recipe
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”