Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own