Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights