Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

🐥🐣

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!