he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
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I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…