Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

biblically accurate fire hydrant

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]