He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
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People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
My background check bounced.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!