Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

no one likes gloating

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.