He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
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I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Kids: Stay in school.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
The pen is writier than the sword.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Love thy neighbor’s dog