Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!