Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?