He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Am I having a stroke?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
My daily affirmation
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.