He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
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If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.