Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.