He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
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New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA