Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.