He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
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“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?