He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
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[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I forgot how to panic. Help
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
X-tra spooky blend
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..