He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
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This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Phonetics
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Dishonest mechanic?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-