He took my last fry, your honor
You Might Also Like
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.