He took my last fry, your honor
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My boss called in sick of me
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.