He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
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ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
They got a point!
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.