He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
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Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Frankenstein?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”