He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
You Might Also Like
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.