He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
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I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
SONOFA
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
called in thicc to work this morning
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.