He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
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As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor