He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
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Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
BETRAYAL
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
Saint West, the patron of selfies