He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
😆this is so true
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops