Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

Ken is short for chicken

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.