He wanted to make sure😂
You Might Also Like
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
🤣🤣
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.