Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

When your best mate counts as a desk too

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE