He wanted to make sure馃槀
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I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god鈥檚 delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn鈥檛 left my house in over 2 years* oh no
could鈥檝e been anyone
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i鈥檝e ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
the joker: lol i鈥檓 going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids鈥’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.