He wanted to make sure馃槀
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difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn鈥檛 looking
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Me: *drops mic*
Mic鈥檚 parents: OUR BABY!
I can鈥檛 stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[doctor鈥檚 office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
One day you鈥檙e young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you鈥檙e done it already.
Cop: You鈥檙e driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I鈥檓 English.
Cop: (shouting) It鈥檚 the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don鈥檛 work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way